


The Burden of Attachment

by ShenanigansEnsue



Series: Shenanigans and Imagines [37]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Jedi Code, Jedi Reader, Kenobi Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-02-27 09:57:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13245816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShenanigansEnsue/pseuds/ShenanigansEnsue
Summary: Requested by AnonymousHey! Can you do an imagine about the reader falling for Poe Dameron? The reader is a Kenobi and she trains to become a Jedi Knight but the reader is reminded that these kind of feelings are not allowed by Kenobi’s force ghost. The reader is torn by this conflict and is afraid that she might turn out like her grandfather’s apprentice, Darth Vader, but Poe reassures her that she can turn those feelings into motivation and determination rather than possession and in the end he confesses to her? Thx





	1. Chapter 1

           Heavy fire came down on you as you weaved your way through the forest floor followed closely behind by Poe Dameron.  The two of you, as well as Snap Wexley, were assigned to steal information from one of the First Order’s ever expanding military outposts.  Unfortunately for you, the First Order had caught wind of your arrival and organized one hell of a welcome party. 

           “Snap, get the ship prepped and ready to launch,” you shouted into your comm as you fired blindly behind you.

           “I’m hearing blaster fire,” Snap’s voice returned.  “Poe, what’s going on?”

           “Just a minor setback,” Poe said.  “Have the ship ready by the time we get there. Y/N how far out are we?”

           “Not far,” you said, firing your own blaster at the oncoming troops. “Follow me.”

           Poe nodded in understanding laying down cover fire as you continued to run.

           Reaching out with the force, you searched for troopers as well as the fastest way back to the ship.  Out of the corner of your vision, you felt the presence of two, three, four speeders coming your way.

           “Poe, get down!” you shouted.

           He did as he were told, hitting the deck just as you ignited your light saber.

           Out of the grove came the speeders laying down a barrage of laser fire.

           Closing your eyes, you allowed the force to guide you as your deflected the shots. Two of the bolts you were able to aim back at the speeders, hitting one trooper in the chest while the other hit one of the bikes sending it swirling headfirst into one of the trees.

           Two of the bikes kept coming.  Steeling yourself, you raised your lightsaber only for Poe to leap to his feet taking one of them out with a shot straight through the head.  The other sped right towards you.  Stepping quickly to the side, you slash your lightsaber in an arching motion, cutting the bike in half and sending the rider flying.  

           You turned off your lightsaber, turning to Poe with an exasperated expression.  

           “I told you to stay down.”  

           “No, you told me to get down, big difference,” Poe said, smiling an annoyingly charming smile.  “You’re welcome by the way.”

           “I would have handled it.”

           Poe just rolled his eyes, nudging you in the shoulder as he walked past you.

           “C’mon, we need to keep moving.”

           You didn’t have time to argue as you could feel more troopers on the way. Even with your lightsaber, you didn’t stand much of a chance.

           You made your way through the forest finally seeing the light of a clearing. On the other side, hidden in the trees Snap sat in the pilot seat waiting for you.  

           “We can see you,” Poe said as he ran.  “Open the cargo doors.”

           Snap complied lowering the ramp just as you made the clearing.  You were so happy to see it, you didn’t notice the Tie-Fighter until it was right on top of you.

           “Y/N!” Poe shouted a warning before tackling you to the ground just as the fighter opened fire.

           Poe covered your body with his as the earth exploded around you. You kept your head down, reaching out your senses to your surroundings. The Tie-Fighter flew past your heads, but it was coming back for another round.  You could also feel the squad of troopers getting closer.

           “Move, move,” Poe shouted, pulling you to your feet and pushing you forward.

           You started to run, trying only to focus on the ship only a couple hundred yard in front of you.  It didn’t last as a blaster shot whizzed past your ear.  You turned seeing the troopers enter the clearing.

           “Don’t look back,” Poe ordered.  “Just run!”

           You tried to do as you were told, but stopped dead in your tracks as you saw Poe kneel to the ground as he laid down cover fire.

           You saw the squad of troopers enter the clearing.  You saw the line of speeder bikes and you saw the Tie-Fighter coming back for another round with Poe in the middle of all of it.

           White-hot fear ignited in you, more powerful than you had felt in your entire life.  It surged through you, filling every part of your body and extending beyond yourself. Every mind in the field became distinct and clear, filling you with rage at their intention to kill.  A great scream shook the clearing, sending fear into those hate filled minds. You didn’t know where it came from. Your senses were over powered and the only thought that persisted was to save Poe.  The fever burned through you, blinding you in darkness as everything around you disappeared, and then as soon as the feeling came, it vanished.

           You felt empty, cold, and completely alone.

           “Y/N,” a voice called to you as if underwater.  “Y/N, can you hear me?”

           You rolled your head to the side as a powerful pain ripped through your skull forcing a moan from your lips.

           “You’ll be alright sweetheart,” the voice repeated, clearer this time. “I’m going to get you out of here.”

           You felt your body being lifted from the ground and carried far away from where ever you were.  The person carrying you held you close. You welcomed the warmth as you tried to will your body into having the strength to cling to it.

           Slowly you blinked your eyes open, noticing the green and blue blur above you focus into the trees and skyline.

           “Snap,” Poe ordered. “Get us out of here.”

           You turned your head slightly, finally getting a clear view of the clearing and the smoldering heap of metal that was once a Tie-Fighter as well as the destroyed tree line littered with the bodies of dead Stormtroopers.

           The cargo door closed before you had a chance to linger on the image as Poe carried you inside.

           He laid you down on the line of seats using it as a makeshift bed, before taking off his jacket and slipping it under your head as a pillow.

           “Hey, there are those eyes,” he said smiling down at you.  “We’ll get you home soon.”

           You felt the ship lurch as Snap guided the ship out of the forest and into the atmosphere without running into any more First Order ships.

           Without Poe holding you, you felt the emptiness return as a deep chill went through your body.

           “I’m cold,” you mumbled, feeling your stomach twist at the unpleasant feeling.

           Poe was up and back in a matter of seconds having grabbed a blanket from one of the survival packs. He draped it over you before taking you hand in his. You felt your hand burn on contact, but didn’t break away, enjoying the sudden heat.

           “Shit Y/N, your hands are like ice,” he said, rubbing your hands with his to create at least a little friction.

           Just then you heard the sound of footsteps coming down from the cockpit.

           “What the hell happened,” Wexley snapped, just before turning to you. His face went instantly pale as he took a small step towards you.

          “Stars Y/N.”

           “Just pilot the ship,” Poe said sternly.  “I’ll tell you everything when we get back to base.”

           Snap looked like he wanted to argue the point, but saw the look on Poe’s face and decided against it.  It was very rare to see Poe so serious, that was when you knew it was bad.

          He nodded his head and returned to his post without another word.  Poe then turned his gaze back to you, looking you over with concerned eyes.

           “What did happen?” you asked.

           Poe’s look faltered, but he covered it with a quick smile.

           “You save our butts is what happened,” he said easily.  “Don’t worry about it right now.  Just focus on yourself, okay?”

           You tried to comply, but your mind kept going back to the moments before you blacked out.  You ran the moment over and over again, but you couldn’t find anything.

           “I don’t remember…” you trailed off, as panic started to rock your system.  You no longer had control over your breathing.  “Oh Gods it was so dark!”

           “Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay,” Poe said cradling your face gently.  “Y/N, it’s going to be alright.  I’m here.  Nothing is going to happen.  I just need you to breath with me, can you do that?”

           You couldn’t find it in you to speak, but you nodded your head, as you tried to force the tears from out of your eyes.

           Poe took the hand gripping yours and placed it on his chest holding it there.

           “Deep breaths okay? In…out.”

           You focused on his breath, feeling his chest go up and down as you tried to match it.  He kept his eyes on you the entire time, making sure you were with him.  If you hadn’t been in a state of panic, you probably would have blushed.

           He repeated this a couple times over and soon, you felt your control come back. A wave of exhaustion hit you and your eyes grew heavy.

           Poe’s expression softened as he brushes some of your hair off of your brow.

           “That’s it beautiful, try and get some sleep.”  

           You shook your head, as the aching fear of the dark still pounding in your heart.

           “I’ll be here the entire time,” Poe said as if reading your thoughts.  “I won’t move a muscle, promise.”

           You gazed up at him only to be met with kind, sincere eyes.  He would keep to his word.  You didn’t have to be a Jedi to know that.

           You nodded your head and allowed your body to relax. As you drifted off the sleep, one final question burned in your mind, and in the mind of everyone else on the ship.

           What the hell did you do? 


	2. Chapter 2

            The next time you woke up, you were greeted by the familiar white blankness of a medical ward ceiling. Your whole body ached.  It’s wasn’t unbearably painful, but it was just enough to make things uncomfortable.

           You lay there for a moment, thinking back to the moments before you passed out.

           Poe had been with you.  You could see him looking down at you with worried eyes, so close you could make out the dark almost black rim around their edges.  You felt yourself blush hard at the memory, and you tried to shake it off.  Turning your head, you saw Poe sitting in a chair beside you. His eyes closed and he was wearing the same clothes had had been on the shuttle.  

           You felt your heart leap in your chest. He had kept his promise.

           With great effort, you tried to sit up.  Unfortunately, it proved to be not the smartest move as your back tensed up, instantly eliciting a low groan from your throat.

           Apparently, Poe wasn’t sleeping as deeply as you thought as no sooner had the sound left your lips, his eyes opened.

           “Hey, hey, none of that,” he said, his voice still a little rough as he rose to his feet.

           He crossed the space to the bed in an instant, pushing lightly on your shoulders.

           You didn’t have the strength or the inclination to argue and laid back down on the bed.

           “Good,” he said with a nod, “now stay there.”

           “Hypocrite,” you mumbled, unable to fight back a small smile from your lips.  

           “Maybe,” he shrugged. “But a hypocrite that cares.”

           You let out a light laugh which only mildly hurt your chest.

           “How long was I out?”

           “About a day.  Stars Y/N, you scared the hell out of me.”

           You felt a slight twist of guilt, and you averted your eyes.

           “Sorry about that.”

           A reassuring, if not tired, smile spread across his face, as he gave a small nod.  

           “Well you’re awake now, so…”

           A small silence fell between you.  It was by no means uncomfortable, but there was a question hanging quietly in the air. Neither one of you wanted to mention it, knowing the moment you did, the warmth and comfort would be gone, but it needed to be said.

           “What happened out there?” you asked.

           Poe didn’t answer right away as he examined you carefully.

           “You really don’t remember, do you?”

           “I remember running,” you said carefully. “I remember the troopers, the Tie-Fighter, and I saw you in the middle of the field…”

           You stopped, and a cold shiver went straight up your spine.  You remembered the feeling.  It wasn’t as powerful as it had been, merely a distant echo, but you could still feel the wisp of the darkness trying to clench your heart.  

          You looked at Poe, as you tried to think of a way to explain it to him, but you stopped yourself.  He didn’t need to worry about you anymore than he already was.

          “And the next thing I knew you were carrying me,” you finished.

           Poe nodded, in understanding.

           You waited for him to start filling in the gaps of your memory, but he kept his mouth shut.

           “I saw the Tie-fighter, when you were bringing me inside,” you said softly. “All those soldiers…I did that didn’t I?

           Once again, he didn’t say a word, but his silence alone was enough to answer your question.

           You felt bile rise in your throat.  You heart started to hammer in your chest and it suddenly became very difficult to breathe.

           Poe caught it immediately, taking your hand in his and sitting on the edge of the bed beside you.  

           “Hey, it’s okay,” he said gently.  “You saved my life is what you did.  You saved all of us.”

           You shook your head, as the pressure of tears started to build behind your eyes.    

           “What did I do?”

           He was taken aback by your tone, but quickly understood.  You didn’t need to be coddled. You needed the truth.  

          He let out a long sigh, running his free hand through his hair.

           “Look I don’t know exactly what happened,” he admitted, “but from how it played out, I think you got into the pilot’s head somehow.  One minute the ship was coming down on us and the next, it did a complete one-eighty and started firing on the Stormtroopers before crashing straight into the trees. By the time the smoke cleared, they were all dead.”

           You turned your eyes downward, nodding your head as part of the memory came back to you.  All those minds in the field had been so clear, so filled with hate and then they had all disappeared, until there was just one.

           You looked back at Poe, noticing he still wasn’t looking directly at you. You felt your stomach clench.  

           “And what else?”

           Poe shook his head.

           “It doesn’t matter.”

           “What else?” you repeated, forcefully.

           He finally met your eyes. He looked so lost, but there was something else underneath it. The only way you could describe it was fear.

           “You just…you were different.”

           Every part of your body started to twist, as your own fear started to take hold.

           “How?”

           He let out a sigh, looking around the room as if it would give him some sort of answer.

           “Y/N…I have seen you scared.  I’ve seen you pissed.  I’ve seen you down right furious, but this, this was different, worse somehow. I don’t know how to describe it, but…it scared me.”

           This time, you averted your gaze as a cold dread seeped into your bones.

           “Did I hurt you?” you asked.

           “No,” he said quickly. “No, I know you wouldn’t do that.  That wasn’t what I was scared of.”

           He gave your hand a gentle squeeze, letting you know exactly what he meant.

          “But you don’t have to worry about now okay?” he said with a half-smile. “It’s over.”

           You nodded in understanding, but Poe didn’t pull away like you thought he would.

           He kept a careful grip on your hand, rubbing your knuckles gently with his thumb. You felt a warmth spread through you, as your whole body finally relaxed. You didn’t know how this man could leave your heart racing, and stomach filled with butterflies, but still put you complete at ease with a simple touch.

           It was at that moment the doors slid open, and General Organa walked into the room.

           Poe turned his head and, upon seeing her, pulled his hand away and leapt to his feet as if he had just gotten caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to.  

           “General,” he greeted, sounding a little more formal than he usually did.

           “Hello Poe,” she said warmly, “still at your post I see.”

           You couldn’t tell from the angle you were sitting to say for certain, but you swore you caught his ears going red.

           Leia then turned to you giving you a soft smile.

           “How are you feeling Y/N?”

           “Better, thank you,” you said, sitting up in your bed to prove the point. It wasn’t as painful as before.  You only winced once.  

           Leia looked at you slightly amused before turning to Poe.

           “Would you mind giving us a minute.”

           Poe furrowed his brows in confusion before straightening his stance.

           “General, whatever you have to say, can’t be that bad.”

           “It’s alright Poe,” you assured.  

           He turned to you giving a reluctant look, but as he switched his gaze between you and Leia, he knew he was beat.  He gave a defeated nod and walked out the door, sending you one last smile as he exited.

           “Good man that Dameron,” Leia commented, as the doors slid closed.

           You couldn’t help but smile at the truth of the statement.

           “He is.”

           Leia watched you carefully, giving a small smile before turning back into the General you knew.

           “He told me everything that happened out there,” she said.  “Are you alright, really?”

           You knew what she was truly asking.  Leia may not have gone off to train Jedi like Luke had, but she was still strong with the force.  She understood the light and the dark, and the balance one had to maintain to control it. She also knew what could happen when one gave in to the dark side.  

           “I don’t feel it anymore,” you said, “but, I never thought I could lose control like that.  I wasn’t reaching for the dark, it just took over.  I didn’t mean to.”

           “I know,” she said, like a mother comforting a scared child, “you just needed to protect him.”

           You looked up at her, silently wishing she couldn’t read you as easily as she seemed to.  

           “What do I do?” you asked softly.

           Leia let out a sigh, shaking her head.

           “I can’t help you.  Luke might have, but…”

           You nodded in understanding.  You had tried more than once to reach your former master through the force, but he had cut himself off from it a long time ago.  You doubted he would help you now.

           “There might be another way,” Leia said.  

           “How?”

           “Luke said, when he needed help, he was able to make contact with his old master.”

           Your eyes widened.  You of course knew about force ghost from Luke’s teachings, but had never met one yourself.  Even your own grandfather never came to you, but you supposed up until now you had Luke to turn to.

           “Do you really think it’s possible,” you asked.

           “Maybe, but after you regain your strength,” Leia said. “You certainly exerted yourself.”

           You gave a small nod in acknowledgement.

           “Yes ma’am.”

           “I better tell Poe we’re done,” she said with a wry smile. “I’m sure he’s chomping at the bit to get back in here.”

           Poe was, in fact, chomping at the bit to get back in.  As soon as Leia left the room, he was back by your side asking you a million questions.  You were finally able to calm him down saying Leia was just checking up on you.  

           You didn’t like lying to him, and you got the impression Poe didn’t fully believe you.  Explaining the force and your connect to it was never something you could put into words, even with Poe.  He tried he best though, even if at times he liked to refer to is as “freaky Jedi stuff” with a shrug and joking smile.  

          That was the thing about Poe, he never treated you differently.  People around the base tended to keep their distance, like you were some ancient relic they couldn’t get close to in fear of breaking it, but not him.  You were a person to him, and he never let you forget it.

          Soon enough you were released form the medical bay, but Leia kept you off active duty for the time being.

          A part of you wanted to protest, but you knew it was for the best.  Until you could ensure what happened on that mission never happened again, there was no sense in risking it.

           The issue was, gaining contact with an old master was proving more difficult than you expected.  You spent many a night meditating in your room, only to be interrupted by an alarm going off or someone stumbling in late at night, or simply the minds of your neighbors restless sleeping.

           You thought briefly, it was some sort of sign.  While you had relied on the dark side, in the end you were protecting someone you cared about.  Maybe, that was enough to justify its usage, but you always shook it off as soon as your thought it.  

          You were growing notably more irritated as the days went on to the point Poe took notice.

           “So, are you going to tell me what’s happening or are we going to leave it at Jedi stuff?” he asked, taking a bite of his food.

           The pair of you were eating a late dinner in the mess hall.  You had a table all to yourselves as only a handful of mechanics and communication workers wandered through the area.

           You ran your hand across your face, nodding your head.

           “Yeah, we’re going to leave it at Jedi stuff.”

           “Like what happened on the mission, Jedi stuff,” he asked.

           You didn’t answer, instead stabbing your food a little harder than normal while avoiding eye contact.

           “Y/N…”

           “I just need to get my head straight,” you said sharply.  “But I can’t here.  Every time I close my eyes I just…hear everything.”

           Poe took a thoughtful bite.  He then started to nod his head as the wheels of his mind began to turn.

           “I’ve got an idea,” he said. “Follow me.”

           He got up suddenly, not even giving you the chance to finish your food as you quickly followed after him.  You were surprised to find him leading you far away from the base and into the tree line of the surrounding forest.  He never wavered, only pausing to make sure you were still behind him.  He weaved through the trees as if there was a clear path only he could see in front of him.  Soon enough, you reached your destination as Poe lead out into a clearing.

           Your eyes widen in wonder at the small lake safely hidden away from the world. Its clear water reflected the moon and the stars almost like glass with only a light breeze to break the illusion. You felt a peace wash over you as you breathed in the clean air.

           “It’s no Jedi temple,” Poe said, running his hand through his hair awkwardly. “But it’s far enough from base to get a clear head.”

           “It’s perfect,” you said, as a smile spread across you face. “How did you find this place?”

           “I did a couple of fly overs not long after we settled here.”

           He smiled as he looked over the lake, looking quite proud of himself.

          “Not every day you get to find your own private beach.”

           “You haven’t shown this to anyone?” you asked.

           “I’m showing you, so, that’s one person.”  

           He said it so matter-of-factly you couldn’t help but be touched by the gesture.

           Apparently, he realized his slip as well, and tried to cover it with a cough before looking out onto the lake once more.  

           “So, ah, do you need me to leave for this or…”

           “That’s probably for the best,” you said, finally remembering why you had come out there in the first place.

           Poe nodded in understanding.  

           “Okay, well, you figure out whatever Jedi stuff you need to figure out and I’ll meet you back at base. Do you know how to get back?”

           “I think so,” you said, giving him a grateful smile.  “And thank you.”

            You watched him as he walked back into the forest, until he was out of sight.

           You took a breath, pushing down the remaining butterflies in your stomach. You then sat on the ground in the usual meditative position.

           The lake truly was peaceful in every sense.  The trees around it acted as a natural sound barrier from the goings on of the base.  All that could be heard was the life of the forest itself breathing in harmony with the force.

           You closed your eyes and allowed the feeling to wash over you, spreading through your body like water and seeping into your bones.  You reach out with the force, feeling a clarity you hadn’t felt in weeks.

           You then felt something.  The small glimmer of a presence walked silently into your vision.  It was a person, but not exactly.  It grew brighter and brighter until you had to open your eyes in fear of blinding yourself.

           “It is very good to see you young one.”

           You turned your head, and your eyes went wide at seeing the figure of an old man standing beside you.  His whole aura glowed with the light side of the force.  His beard was white and well-kept and his face displayed a life well lived.  He was dressed in Jedi robes and wore an odd smile of one who had just met a friend from a long time ago.  

           “Are you Obi-Wan Kenobi?” you asked tentatively.

           “That I am,” he said. “And you are Y/N.”

           “You know me?” you asked, surprised.

           “I wouldn’t be a very good grandfather if I didn’t,” he said.

           He said it in a joking matter, and you couldn’t help but feel a little guilty at thinking otherwise.

           His face then grew serious as you looked you over carefully.

          “You’re troubled.”

          You had to give him credit, he cut right to the case.

           “I felt it,” you said, quietly, “the pull to the darkness.”

           He looked at you with a passive expression, and you felt a sudden shame take over you.  A part of you wished he had started yelling at you right then and there.  

          “I didn’t mean for it to happen,” you continued, “but I was able to use it to protect someone I care about.  I know it was wrong, but if in the end I saved him, shouldn’t that be enough?”

           “That is a very dangerous way of thinking,” he said calmly.

           The shame now took a permanent place in your stomach as you bowed your head.

           “I know.”

           “You’ve grown very attached to that boy, the one you saved.”

           “Yes,” you confessed, “is that so bad?”

           “In some ways no,” he said, taking a seat on a nearby log. “Having a love for all things in the universe in necessary to show compassion and mercy, both of which are essential for a Jedi to have. But, like all things, there must be balance.  You cannot let your love for one thing over power you.  That is why we cannot fall in love or have families of our own.  We would value their lives over all others.”

           “But you had a family.”

           His eyes grew distant and his whole body slumped.  It was only then you got the impression he was truly an old man, worn down by the troubles of the world.

           “I did,” he said, “and to protect them, I let them go. The parting of which nearly destroyed me.”

           He then looked to you his eyes show a quite need for you to understand.

          “I may have been able to leave the path to the dark side, but there are many who cannot.  I do not wish you to become like my own apprentice.”

          You felt a fear settle in you as well as a small spark of anger at the implication.

           “I’m not Vader,” you said sharply.

           “No,” he agreed, “but if you allow your passions to control you like they did before, you may be well on your way to becoming him.  This is the responsibility we Jedi hold.  In order to maintain balance and peace in the galaxy we must let go of our selfish desires and that includes those whom we hold most dear to us.  It is our burden to bare.”

           You processed his words, and as they settled in your mind, you knew in the end he was completely right. You had lost control because of your feeling.  You couldn’t allow for it to happen again.

           “I understand,” you said softly. “I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I can do it.”

           A sad, sympathetic smile came over his face as he walked toward you.  He placed a hand on your shoulder and to your mild surprise you felt a gentle squeeze.

           “You are much stronger than you know,” he said. “I am sorry, Y/N.”

           He then stepped away and disappeared back into the universe.

           You sat on the ground, staring off into the distance, coming to terms with what had to be done.

           You came out of the forest about an hour later to find Poe waiting for you by one of the hangers.

           “How’d it go,” he asked. “Figure out anything?”

           “Some things,” you said.  “I’m actually feeling pretty tired.”

           “Want me to walk with you back?”

           You shook your head, feeling a sudden tightness in your throat.

           “No it’s okay,” you said, with an assuring smile.  “I just need to process some things.”

           He gave a small look of disappointment, but understood quickly enough.

           “Whatever you got to do,” he said.  “Catch you in the morning?”

           It took everything in you not to start crying then and there as he looked at you with those kind beautiful brown eyes.

           “Yeah,” you said, your voice tight. “I’ll see you then.”

           He looked like he wanted to say something, but you turned heading straight toward the bunks without looking back.

           As soon as the door to your room closed, you made a bee-line toward your closet and started to pack.  

           It took you longer than you expected.  More than once you stopped to look around the room, memorizing every detail of the tiny bunk you had called your home for so long.  You looked over old holos of the friends you had made over the years.  You thought about Poe, and couldn’t bring yourself to put anything more in your bag as your hands shook and your tears blinded you.

           The sun was only just starting to peek over the horizon by the time you walked out onto the tarmac, heading straight to one of the U-Wings.  

           You threw your bag into the co-pilot seat and strapped yourself in before taking one final look at D’Qar.  The tears started to come back.  You wiped them away quickly, and guided the ship up and out of the atmosphere.

           You looked down at the planet below, you wondered how everyone would react at you being gone.  You imagined Poe walking into the mess hall, and not seeing you there.  By the time he was finished eating, he would probably go to your room to check on you.  

           You had left the door unlocked.  He would step inside, see your things missing and run straight for Leia to tell her you were gone.

           Leia would understand, but not Poe.  You didn’t even leave a note.

           You punched in random coordinates, uncaring on where you ended up.  As the stars around you stretched into star-lines, you only hoped one day, Poe could forgive you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! If you like this, check out my tumblr @ https://shenanigans-and-imagines.tumblr.com
> 
> Please leave a comment and kudos if you are so inclined


	3. Chapter 3

          You were out in the outer rim for a long time. After about a month or so, you stopped keeping track of the days.  

          You had ditch the U-Wing almost as soon as you had left D’Qar.  You knew you could had traded in the ship for something else, but had decided against it.  The Resistances needed all the ships they could get.  Soon enough somebody would use the tracking device to find it and no harm would be done. They would have their ship and you would be in the wind.

          You carried only the pack you brought with you, leaving behind your uniform on the pilot seat and your lightsaber buried deep within the folds of your clothes to avoid detection.

          It was easy enough to find work.  You were a decent pilot and not afraid of heavy lifting.  You got a job on a cargo ship transporting mining supplies to some of the local systems.

          You didn’t stay long however.  About a week into the job, your nightmares returned.  

          You hadn’t had a proper nightmare since you first moved to D’Qar years ago. It had been so long, you had forgotten how terrifying they could be.

          You tried to keep it under control, but the flashes of darkness and pain could not be suppressed.

          You woke up to the sounds of your friends screaming and dying as you hid from view, clutching your hands to your ears to drown out the noise.  The Jedi Temple burned around you and through the small hole beneath the rubble, Ben Solo stood in the middle of all of it.

          The first night it came to you, the whole room had started to shake. Random objects lifted and spun in the air before clashing to the ground, including your bunk mate.

          You left the ship as soon as it landed the next day, never bothering to turn back.

          You never stayed on one ship for more than a few weeks after that. Soon enough, you saved enough money to buy a ship and the solitude you craved.

          Whenever you had the chance, you would guide the ship into empty space far away from any planets or trade routes and allowed the ship to drift.  You would spend days out there, meditating, trying to clear your mind, but to no end.  You felt off balance, like a part of you was missing.

          Poe seemed to enter your vision every time you closed your eyes.  You would shake him away, but every time you did, you felt an emptiness inside you.  You kept waiting for it not to hurt.  You hoped that maybe if you stayed away long enough, if you kept him from your mind then one day you could think of him and feel nothing.  It never happened.

          Poe started entering your nightmares too.

          You saw him kneeling on the ground illuminated by the burning temple. Towering over him was Ben Solo, now Kylo Ren with his red blade ignited in his hand.

          You tried to scream, to move, to do something, anything to stop what you knew was going to happen.  Even as you felt the pressure tearing your throat apart no sound came from your mouth. Your whole body remained frozen and helpless.

          Kylo Ren swung the blade high into the air before slashing downward. Poe crumpled to the ground like a puppet whose strings had been cut.  He fell beside the bodies children who had long ago been your friends, staring at you with wide fear locked eyes.

          After a while, you couldn’t use the force at all.

          You couldn’t even call your lightsaber to you.  When you reached out with the force, it would barely tremble before lying completely still as if it had never moved in the first place. On the other hand, your nightmares no longer left your room in shambles. The force only came in short burst with no control as to when or where.

          You had tried more than once to call to your grandfather for guidance, but all was silent.  You were alone.

          You told yourself it was for the best.  You were not a fully trained Jedi when Luke disappeared.  The only other teacher you could turn to was Snoke, and you would kill yourself before you let him anywhere near you.  You couldn’t hurt anyone if you were one your own.  It would be better.

          The loneliness persisted anyway.

* * *

          You were floating again in emptiness.  The stars around you were unfamiliar and there wasn’t a single planet in sight.  You closed your eyes, willing yourself to sleep.  You had abandoned meditating some time ago, but you found peace out there in the void.  Out there, you dreamed of nothing.

          You were starting to get comfortable when you felt a small pull in the back of your mind.  You battered it away, but it came back as steadily as a heartbeat.  You knew it then.  Something was calling to you, but you couldn’t put your finger on what.

          You opened your eyes, staring out at the darkness expecting to see a ship appear out of hyperspace, but none came.  The pulling continued.

          You closed your eyes once more concentrating on the feeling.  Your hand started to move on its own landing just above the navigation computer.  You could see it through your lids as a whirlwind of star maps and coordinates rushed by too fast to catch.  You sunk deeper into the pulse, letting it consume you until suddenly it stopped. You opened your eyes, looking down at the coordinates which had appeared on your screen.

          You felt your stomach twist and the urge erase the navigation log over took you, only to be beaten down the moment you thought it.  The force was calling to you.  You had to listen.  

         Strapping yourself in you hit the hyper drive.  The stars turned into star lines and you were off.

* * *

          There were no real cities on Yavin 4.  The closest thing that could be called a city was in and around the remains of the old rebel base.

          After the destruction of the first Death Star it had been abandoned and subsequently torn apart by the Empire.  When the war was over, however, many former rebellion soldiers, pilots, and officers returned.  They rebuilt the base, not for military use, but rather a trading outpost.  The hangers were still open to passing ships and the area around it became a market to buy and sell goods with a handful of homes surrounding the area.  In a strange way, it became an echo of the older civilization that built the temple in the first place.

          However, most people didn’t actually live near the base.  Many had their own ships and lived scattered across the planet with maybe a handful of houses that might be considered a village here and there.  The people of Yavin 4 seemed resistant to the very idea of a city.  Yavin 4 was a place one came to escape politics and war council meetings.  It was a place to build a home, and raise a family in the peace so many had scarified for.  

          It therefor didn’t surprise you, as you guided your ship through the atmosphere, just how much of the forest still covered the planet with only small spots of cleared farm land dotting the surface.  

          The pulse in the back of your mind had come back and you allowed it to guide your hand until, in the distance you found a clearing.  

          Easing back, you landed the ship gently to the ground.

          You got out expecting to find a house or fields nearby but there was nothing, just the clearing and the line of trees.

          The pulse had turned into a pull. It guided your head to a small opening in the treeline. You clipped your lightsaber to your belt and moved forward.

          You walked deeper and deeper into the forest.  You kept expecting it to become darker the further you went in, but the sun still shone brightly through the canopy.  You felt as if you were walking down a path you couldn’t see, but could feel easily enough beneath your feet.  It was then you started to notice the sounds of the animals around you.  They weren’t random caws and chirps, but rather they seemed to be in rhythm singing a song only they knew the words too, each animal chiming in at just the moment.

          The trees suddenly grew wider apart until you came across another clearing, but instead of being empty in the center grew a large singular tree.

          It was as wide as a star cruiser and stood at least ten feet from the surrounding trees.  Its roots dug up the earth around it, sticking out like boulders.  The branches were wide and thick and twisting, but at the same time perfectly balanced.  You were certain if you split the entire tree directly in half, you would have an exact copy of the other.

          An energy buzz from the tree.  You could feel it in your bones as your moved closer.  It wasn’t unpleasant, but it wasn’t welcoming either.  It just was.

          You reached the trunk and tentatively placed your hand on the bark stroking it gently.  You felt a small shock of electricity move from your fingers and straight down your spine, filling you with an energy you hadn’t felt in months.

          “Hey!” a voice called. “What are you doing on my land? Who are you?”

          You spun around to see an older man walking toward you.  A blaster hung on his hip as naturally as it was a part of his body.  He walked straight and with purpose.  His closely cut hair was grey, his face was dark and worn, and his eyes were sharp. A prime example of an old rebellion solider as you had ever seen one.

          “I’m sorry,” you said politely. “I didn’t realize this was somebody’s.”

          “Well, it is,” he said. “Now who are you?”

          You kept your hands up and as far away from your lightsaber as you could. You doubted he would shoot you. He hadn’t so much as twitched toward his blaster, but you weren’t about to give him an excuse.

          “My name is Y/N,” you said calmly. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to cause any trouble…”

          His brows furrowed, completely ignoring your last sentence.

          “Wait, you’re Y/N.”

          Your eyes widened in surprise.  It was then you realized he did look somewhat familiar, but you couldn’t for the life of you think of where you had met him.

          “You know me?”

          He stance eased a bit, and he quickly transformed form a soldier to just another civilian trying to make a living.

          “I believe know my son,” he said. “I’m Kes, Kes Dameron.”

          Then suddenly, everything clicked.  

          You had never met Kes Dameron in your life, but you recognized his son in his features.  They had the same jaw line, the same nose, even the same lopsided smile you loved so much. You felt your stomach twist.  If this was the force’s idea of a joke, it wasn’t very funny.

          “You’re Poe’s father?”

          He gave a small shrug which only reminded you further of Poe. 

          “Guilty,” he said, looking at you curiously. “What are you doing here?”

          You looked back towards the tree, once again feeling that gentle buzz and pulse as you pressed your hand to the bark.

          “I don’t really know,” you said honestly.  “I just needed to come here.”

          Kes shook his head exasperatedly.

          “It’s because of that damn thing isn’t it?”

          You turned your head back to him, brows furrowed in confusion at his tone.

          “What is it?”

          “Force sensitive tree,” he said, looking over the branches. “Luke Skywalker gave it as a gift to my wife years ago.”  

          He then looked back to you, noting the lightsaber on you belt.

          “Let me guess, this is some weird freaky Jedi stuff isn’t it?”

          You laughed, it seemed like a better thing to do then cry.

          “Yeah, weird freaky Jedi stuff.”

          You looked back to the tree, staring up into the branches.  They seemed to go on forever, twisting and turning into each all the way up into the sky.

          “May I sit here for a while?” you asked before looking back at him.

          Kes studied you closely, and then just shrugged.

          “You do what you need to do,” he said.

          “Thank you,” you said, meaning it. A thought then crossed your mind and you added, “And I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell Poe I was here.”

          “Any particular reason?”

          “I’m working out some things,” you said carefully. “And I just…”

          You couldn’t think of what else to say.  You needed some alone time?  You couldn’t face him?  You were afraid? None of them felt right and none of which you could tell his father.

          Kes’ face was unreadable, but then slowly, he nodded.

          “Don’t stay out here too long,” he warned. “There are plenty of things in this forest that would gladly eat you once it gets dark.”

          You felt a smile spread across your face at his concern.

          “Thank you.”

          He gave you and the tree one last glance before heading back into the forest and you suspected to a small home buried somewhere in the trees.

          Once he was out of sight.  You sat down at the base of the tree, looking out and way from it.  The roots surrounded you on all sides, blocking your peripheral vision completely and leaving just the tops of the surrounding forest visible from over the root.

          You settled into the dirt, and with a deep breath, closed your eyes.  

          You felt it slowly, a small tingling sensation starting in the back of your mind spreading all over your body from the top of your head all the way down to your toes. Your ears became sensitive to the wind and the creaks of the tree and the flaps of bird’s wings.  You could feel the worms deep beneath the earth, the rot of a dying log, the eager mouths of baby birds in the trees, and the bones of one of their mothers lying beneath them.  The emptiness you had felt was starting to fill, not completely, but just enough to tip the balance back towards the center.

          You felt at peace.

          “It’s good to meet you Y/N.”

          You blinked your eyes open.

          In front of you stood a man you had never seen before.  

          Like Obi-Wan we wore the robes on an old Jedi Master. He was definitely older, although maybe ten years younger than Obi-Wan.  His hair was thin and grey and his face was surprisingly warm.  He glowed with the aura of the force, and it was then you realized the sky had changed from a bright blue to a blur of oranges and pinks.  You hadn’t realized how much time had passed, but considering the figure in front of you, it was the least interesting question you could ask.  

          “Who are you?”

          The man smiled warmly.

           “My name is Anakin Skywalker,” the man said.  “May I sit?”

           Your eyes widened.  You didn’t trust yourself to speak and so nodded a weak yes. The ghost nodded a thanks in return and perched himself on one of the roots across from you.

           “Are you the one that called me,” you asked, regaining your ability to speak.  

           “Yes, I thought you would like to hear my side of things,” he said.  He gave an easy smile which then turned to one of fatherly concern. “You have a great deal of fear in you.   What is it you’re so afraid of?”

           You felt awkward suddenly.  You didn’t know what you had expected to happen when you sat at the base of the tree. You were looking for guidance, but, if it were to come, you’d thought your grandfather would be the one to give it to you. Still, if Anakin Skywalker had gone through all this trouble to bring you there, you might as well be honest with him.

           “I’m afraid of becoming something I’ve sworn to fight against,” you answered.

           “You mean becoming like me,” Anakin said simply.

           You felt your cheeks grow warm with embarrassment.

           “It seemed rude to say.”

           To your surprise, he wasn’t offended.  He nodded with a deep understanding that only he could comprehend.

           “A reasonable fear,” he said. “One you’ve seen a friend succumb to.”

           Your mind flashed a young Ben Solo in your mind which then transformed into a dark pillar of black and a faceless mask.

           You looked up at Anakin Skywalker, as a thought struck you.

           “Have you seen him?” you asked.

           Anakin’s eyes grew sad.  You felt a great deal of sympathy for the man then.  He looked so old all the sudden and completely helpless.

           “No,” he admitted. “He is surrounded by a darkness even I cannot penetrate. And besides that, we can’t make contact with someone who does not truly want our help.”

           You nodded knowing there were no more questions you could ask on the subject that would not bring him pain.  You decided to bring the conversation back to why you were there in the first place.

           “Obi-Wan said, you fell because you let your passions away from you,” you said. “Is that true?”

           Anakin shifted slightly, looking off into the distance.

           “It’s an over simplification, but yes, in a way I did. I was afraid of losing the one I loved most. I would had done anything to protect her.  So, I grabbed for power, hoping it would give me control over life and death in order to save her.  I failed and you know the rest.”  

           “Then Obi-Wan was right,” you said, resigned. “The only way to assure I keep to the light is to forget him.”

           To your surprise, a wry smile spread across Anakin’s face as he let out a snort.

           “Kriff, you Kenobis are always so over dramatic when it comes to this sort of thing.”

           You stared at him confused. His face grew serious once more.

          “You said, you were afraid of becoming something darker than yourself,” he said, studying you carefully.  “But I don’t believe that’s the case.”

          He looked at you then, into your eyes, and into your mind. You felt him sorting through your memories until he pulled the one he was looking for out for you both to see.

          You were in the temple again, hiding the fallen rubble of the temple.  You could feel the heat from the flames against your skin, but you didn’t move. You didn’t even dare to breath as you heard the sounds of your friends dying around you.  You closed your eyes, blocking out everything.  You pushed the force away from you until you felt nothing, but the weight of the beams and the flames.  

          It was then you saw Ben standing in the middle of it all.  He looked around the ruins and right over where you were hiding. You thought you would die then.  You were sure he had seen you and you were going to die. 

         But, he hadn’t seen you.  His eyes passed over you, and he walked away, leaving you as the screams continued into the night.

          You snapped back to the tree and Anakin, feeling the warm streaks of tears falling down your face.  

          “It wasn’t your fault,” Anakin said, with a certainty that almost made you believe him. “There was no way you could had saved them Y/N.”

         “I could have tried.”

          It felt odd saying it out loud.  You had thought it countless times, but had never told anyone.  Hearing the words suddenly made it real, and the full guilt you had been keeping at bay filled you to the brim while simultaneous leaving you completely empty.

           “You were a child,” he said gently. “Had you fought him, he would have killed you too.”  

           “I know,” you said. “But I still could have tried.”

           Anakin shook his head.  

           “Dwelling on the past won’t change things.”

           “I know,” you repeated. You did know.  You knew it was useless, but that didn’t stop the guilt. It was then you understood.  

          You thought back to the clearing and Poe and the Tie-Fighter and the reason why the fear and anger and hatred had struck you so completely.

          “I can’t lose anyone else,” you said in a whisper.

          The tears were coming back now and you didn’t have it in you to stop them.  

           “But you will,” Anakin said. “Maybe suddenly, maybe slowly, but eventually you will lose everyone you love.  That is how life works.”

           “Then what’s the point?”

           “The point?” he repeated. “Think back, think back to your happiest memories, picture them in your mind.”

           You blinked and you could see the temple, back in its original glory.  You were surrounded by your fellow hopeful students, everyone buzzing with excitement. You among them with a smile that you felt could never leave you face.

           You were on D’Qar.  You were sitting with Poe on the roof of one of the hangers looking up at the night sky, pointing out constellations.  He was telling you stories of different planets he had been to and ones he hadn’t. You felt yourself getting lost in his smile and his laugh and how his eyes crinkled at the edges when he did so.

           You were in a cantina leaning on his shoulder, surrounded by Black Squadron, laughing as Snap started re-enacting an argument he had with a local vendor.  The alcohol in your system left you in a gentle buzz and all you could think about was how comfortable you were and how easily you could drift off the sleep.

           You started to feel warm again, the empty feeling inside you filling up.  You smiled and the tears in your eyes changed into a different kind.

          “Love, trust, compassion, they are all part of the light,” Anakin said.  “And all of it comes from those you love and who love you in return.  The brightest parts of my life came from my friends, my apprentice, and my wife.  My fall to the darkness wasn’t because of my attachment to them.  It was my need for control.  I thought with the dark-side I could save everyone.  Nobody in my life would ever leave me again.  But I was wrong.”

          You blinked away your remaining tears looking at him with a new understanding, but still lost as to which way to go.  

           “Then what can I do,” you asked.

           He looked at you kindly.  He moved off his seat and walked towards you placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.

           “Understand that your time together may not last forever, but cherish while you can. Protect the ones you love rather than fight against the ones you hate. Trust them to be there for you, and give them the freedom to leave if they must. That is the balance.”

           And with one final squeeze of your shoulder he was gone.

           You sat in silence, looking out into nothing as the sky above you turned pink with the purple of dusk moving onto the horizon.

           You then felt a familiar presence make its way through the forest.  You knew who it was before you saw him.

           Poe ran into the clearing stopping in his tracks the minute he saw you sitting among the roots of the tree.  

           He stared at you not saying a word as regained his breath. He didn’t look as well as you had left him.  There were bags under his eyes.  He looked worn down. His hair seemed disheveled, not the usual carefree curls, but as if he had been running his hand through them consistently for months on end.  

           “Kriff Y/N,” he said roughly.  “Where the hell have you been?”

           You didn’t know what it was, but hearing his voice suddenly made him completely real to you.  You felt your heart and your throat tighten with emotion.  You rose to your feet and walked toward him.  

           “Do you have any idea how long you’ve been gone?” he continued.  “Six months! Six months and not a word.”

           You couldn’t say anything.  You didn’t trust your voice.  You just kept walking towards him. All the emotions you had been pushing down began forcing their way to the surface.

           “Do you know how scared I was?”

          His voice was growing tight, half way between anger and tears.

          Guilt was added to the mixture of your emotions as you stopped leaving barely a foot between you.

           “Not even a note,” he bit out. “You couldn’t even write a damn note?! You could have been dead for all I knew!”

           Tears started to fill your eyes, but they did not fall.  You still didn’t have it in you to say anything.  You knew what you did.  You had no excuses.  If he wanted to yell at you, he was more than welcome to.  You deserved much worse form him.

           He looked into your eyes, seeing the tears and the guilt and the happiness, and he crumbled.

           “Kriff Y/N,” he mumbled, and he pulled you into a tight hug.

           You hugged him back, clinging to him as desperately as he held onto you.  You buried your head in his shoulder and the tears broke free of your eyes.

           “I’m sorry,” you sobbed.  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

           You kept repeating the words.  You couldn’t stop yourself, even as Poe rocked you and rubbed comforting circles into your back.

           “Don’t you ever do that again,” he said.  “Do you understand? Never again. You talk to me, okay? You can’t just me leave like that. Stars Y/N I thought I lost you.”

           “I know,” you said.  “I know and I’m so sorry.  I’m so sorry Poe.  I never wanted to hurt you.  Please know that.”

           Poe kissed the side of your head, breathing in your scent as if to make sure you were still there.

           “I do,” he said.  His voice was gentle now, the anger was gone and only relief remained.  “Leia told me what she could.  Look, I know I’m not a Jedi.  I don’t know the first thing about the force, but give me a chance to try.”

           He shifted his head slightly.  You could feel his nose brush against your cheek and his warm breath on your ear. You felt like you should had been embarrassed, but you weren’t.  It felt right to have him this close.  You didn’t want to be anywhere else.  

           “I love you Y/N,” he said softly. “So, I don’t care what some old dead guy said to you.  I want to be with you, if you let me.”

           You felt like your heart was going to burst out of your chest.

           You moved your face back just enough to look at him.  He stared back at you with eyes half way between fear and hope.

          You didn’t think you could love him more than you did at that moment.

           You closed the gap between you kissing him with a passion.  He returned it immediately, cupping your cheek as your hands ran through his hair.

           The kiss was wet, and sloppy, and desperate and perfect. The pair of you trying to show the other just how much they meant to you. All the feelings you buried because it wasn’t the right time or place to express it, came forward. You didn’t even try to fight it.

           Eventually you both pulled away, your noses still brushing against each other as you panted for air.

           “I love you too,” you said raspily against his lips. “I love you so much, and I’m scared.”

           You opened your eyes to find him looking back at you.

           “I am too,” he confessed.  “But we’ll figure it out.  You and me. Alright?”

           You felt yourself smiling despite your fear and you nodded.

           “You and me,” you repeated softly. “Okay.”

           He kissed you again and you knew from that moment on, you would never be alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! If you like this, check out my tumblr @ https://shenanigans-and-imagines.tumblr.com
> 
> Please leave a comment and kudos if you are so inclined

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! If you like this, check out my tumblr @ https://shenanigans-and-imagines.tumblr.com
> 
> Please leave a comment and kudos if you are so inclined


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